The Tragedy of Togetherness

Erotic love offers us one of the greatest opportunities to transcend the ego, expand our consciousness, and achieve complete liberation from the illusion of separation.

Sadly, the path to this shared freedom seems to be riddled with false starts, setbacks and dead ends right from the start: Attraction might be one-sided, or for some reason contact with the desired person never becomes possible. And when it does, getting to know them may reveal qualities that lead us to withdraw in disappointment or even disgust, concluding that our initial innocent enthusiasm was misplaced.

But suppose the attraction is intense and mutual and there is nothing to stop us from getting involved. Eventually, we may find ourselves in a relationship and assume that it is or will be the ultimate answer to our longing. That’s when the real trouble starts! While it is obvious that erotic love aims to satisfy needs far outside the realm of our daily social life, we usually claim the chosen person for ourselves within this realm. The needs we have here bring into play other forms of love that are, as we shall see, secondary. We dream of an eternally faithful companion - a 'better half' who will always prioritise us, fulfil our every wish, provide comfort and security, and dissolve that persistent sense of personal inadequacy and incompleteness. The ideal other has been found - the intensity of the attraction tells us so - but now they must live up to all our expectations in every area of life. What if they refuse or fail to do so? So much is suddenly at stake. Instead of freeing us, love appears to drive us into the greatest possible state of interdependence!

Why do we insist on blending the desire for a shared higher consciousness - a desire implicit in the very essence of erotic love - with the expectation of perfect domestic compatibility? Why are we so convinced that the person we seek to be One with must complement and satisfy us in every trivial, earthly way? These expectations are not just unrealistic; they are illogical. Experience shows that complete compatibility is highly unlikely. More importantly, though, it is utterly unnecessary for what we, as passionate lovers, are truly after. We’re after the atemporal exaltation of Oneness, yet we hope to secure and sustain it through long-term, happy coexistence. We inadvertently strive for bliss in togetherness and then wonder why Oneness is either never fully realised or only realised initially or transiently.

Disappointment is inevitable because our deep desire to be One is not at all a desire for mutual affection or the constant negotiation that is a love relationship. Of course, as social animals, humans need attention, appreciation, care, and a sense of belonging. However, the satisfaction of these needs requires community, perhaps (marital) unity, but not Oneness. As spiritual beings, humans gravitate towards Oneness, and when this state is experienced by two people, their existence as distinct individuals is ideally suspended along with their individual needs. The liberating, transpersonal Self unfolds only when lovers find themselves united in a superior entity, and this entity makes no distinction between ‘I’ and ‘you’. Oneness is not a form of togetherness; on the contrary, they are fundamentally opposed.

Erotic love, in its deepest and highest dimensions, cannot be about the mutual satisfaction of two individuals' needs because the individual, as such, longs to be transcended. Does the experience, or even the mere idea, of intense intimacy not suggest that what we really long for is a life in each other and as each other, rather than a life with each other? Forms of love expressed on the social level, the level of duality, the level of the two and the many, will always prevent this transpersonal Self from unfolding, or cause it to collapse. The dilemma we face is that we seek the strongest possible interpersonal connection with the very person with whom we want to overcome interpersonality, with whom we want to be One, without any space in between, without any ‘inter’.

So unfortunately, absolute identity with one another, experienced as real in ecstatic moments, does not seem tenable in conventional reality and conventional relationships, because here the two cannot stop being two! If lovemaking even grants us that glimpse of transcendence, it demands repetition because the other is always found to be other, i.e. not-self again post coitum. Our daily communication and interaction constantly informs us that we are not One in any meaningful way. Hence the attempt to compensate: Since Oneness appears to be unsustainable, we expect the relationship to satisfy us as much as possible through companionship, warmth, comfort, security, and the regular satisfaction of our physical needs and wants. But this only leads us further away from our shared Being and existence as the One. We may become better and better companions to one another, but the comparably superficial exchanges this requires greatly disturb the wordless, otherworldly erotic sphere and anchor us firmly in the world of separation.

The gradual fading of erotic magnetism that afflicts so many relationships rarely stems from the full realisation of Oneness, which would render physical intimacy - and any communication and interaction - redundant. Much more often, love has simply been claimed by the reality of togetherness, while the supposed unreality of Oneness becomes ever more remote. If waning passion is not reason enough to end the relationship (because we are otherwise 'compatible'), we may eventually settle for a romantic friendship. This outcome may not be the worst, but it is mundane and based on secondary, social forms of love that cannot replace eros, a love originally experienced as omnipotent, boundless and eternal. We may be able to live a satisfying, harmonious life together, but we are not truly One. We are still ‘I’ and ‘you’, as we have always been.

In summary, Oneness tends to be reserved for fleeting, seemingly unreal peak experiences, while togetherness takes place on levels that presuppose that we are, and remain, clearly delineated individuals. Although the desire for shared transcendence is one of our greatest driving forces, we seem condemned to live as separate beings, catching only momentary glimpses of a reality beyond. But are we really?

More to come - stay tuned!